He knew that he
had been hiding from his confessor the extent to which a longing for
the world had taken possession of him; that there was in this wish to
secure the will and through it the property an eagerness to be
independent of control and to take his place in the world as a man
among men. The thought that the money was now in the hands of the
church to which he had pledged himself tormented him. There came into
his mind the question what he would do with the wealth if he obtained
it. He had vowed himself to poverty, at least in his intention. If he
had this fortune and became a priest, he would be pledged to endow the
church with all his worldly goods.
He faced his inner self with sudden defiance, as if he had thrown off a
disguise cunningly but weakly worn. He confessed with frankness that he
had secretly desired this money that he might be in a position to gain
Berenice. He pleaded with himself that he did not mean to abandon the
priesthood; that he had simply discovered that he had not a vocation
for the existence he had contemplated. He tried to see some way in
which he might gain the end he desired without giving up the faith he
professed; and in the end he succeeded only in getting his mind into a
confusion so great that it seemed impossible to think of anything
clearly.
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