"Are we
in the Middle Ages?"
It came to him as a sort of jeer from an outside intelligence that
after all they were trying to ape mediaeval discipline. He had been for
weeks coming to the point where the whole monastic life seemed to him
fantastic and theatrical; and now that his personal liberty was so
sharply assailed, his self-respect so threatened, he was prepared to
see everything in the most unfavorable light. He laughed bitterly in
his mind at the tangle he was in, and contempt for himself and for the
community took hold of his very soul.
Yet he was not ready to throw off allegiance. The bonds of habit are
strong; the power of old belief is stronger; and strongest of all is
that vanity which holds a man back from the avowal that he has been
mistaken in his most ardent professions. It is one thing to change a
conviction; it is quite another to acknowledge that a belief formerly
upheld with ardor is now outgrown. It is not simply the ignoble shame
of fearing the opinion of others that is involved in such a case, but
that of losing confidence in one's own judgment, of standing convicted
of error in that inner court of consciousness where all disguises are
stripped away and all excuses vain.
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