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"Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 156, May 7, 1919."

NO QUESTIONS WILL BE ASKED OF YOU OR OF THE PIANO OR
GRAMOPHONE, BOTH OF WHICH INSTRUMENTS YOU WILL FIND IN SMOOTH RUNNING
ORDER. I AM AWAY," I ADDED, "EVERY WEDNESDAY AND THURSDAY."
THAT CLINCHED IT. HIDING HER SURPRISE AS WELL AS SHE COULD UNDER AN
IRREPROACHABLE BONNET AND TOUPEE, MRS. MILTON EXPRESSED HER READINESS
TO ACCOMPANY ME THEN AND THERE, AND TO SUPERINTEND THE DISAPPEARANCE
OF MY COALS AND MARMALADE.
PERHAPS YOU HAVE GUESSED THAT I PROPOSE TO SPEND EVERY WEDNESDAY NIGHT
AT FRESHFIELD'S PLACE, AND THAT THE COMPLETE SUCCESS OF THE SCHEME HAS
BEEN ASSURED BY THE MAKING OF A SIMILAR AGREEMENT BETWEEN FRESHFIELD
AND A PERSON HOLDING CORRESPONDING VIEWS TO THOSE OF MRS. MILTON.
THUS FRESHFIELD AND I HAVE EACH SECURED THE FULL SEVEN DAYS'
ATTENDANCE BY A DEVICE PLEASING TO ALL CONCERNED. AFTER LOCKING UP
THE MELBA AND GEORGE ROBEY RECORDS ON WEDNESDAY MORNINGS AND WITH
THE KNOWLEDGE THAT THE PIANO IS PAST SERIOUS INJURY, I DEPART FOR
FRESHFIELD'S (_VIA_ THE CLUB FOR LUNCH) EACH WEEK WITH A LIGHT HEART.
MY COLLABORATOR IS ALL FOR KEEPING THIS SOLUTION OF A HARASSING
PROBLEM TO OURSELVES. I SAY "NO." THE GENERAL ADOPTION OF SUCH A
SCHEME, WITH ALTERATIONS TO SUIT INDIVIDUAL CASES, WOULD, I THINK, BE
A NAIL IN THE COFFIN OF BOLSHEVISM IN THE HOME.
* * * * *
MR. WILSON RUBS IT IN.
"THE _ECHO DE PARIS_ SAYS, 'MR.


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