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Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville), 1881-1975

"The Man Upstairs and Other Stories"

I'll call myself Jones. I can get signed on in a minute. Any
club will jump at me.'
This was no idle boast. Since early childhood Clarence had concentrated
his energies on becoming a footballer, and was now an exceedingly fine
goal-keeper. It was a pleasing sight to see him, poised on one foot in
the attitude of a Salome dancer, with one eye on the man with the ball,
the other gazing coldly on the rest of the opposition forward line,
uncurl abruptly like the main-spring of a watch and stop a hot one.
Clarence in goal was the nearest approach to an india-rubber acrobat
and society contortionist to be seen off the music-hall stage. He was,
in brief, hot stuff. He had the goods.
Scarcely had he uttered these momentous words when the butler entered
with the announcement that he was wanted by a lady on the telephone.
It was Isabel, disturbed and fearful.
'Oh, Clarence,' she cried, 'my precious angel wonder-child, I don't
know how to begin.'
'Begin just like that,' said Clarence, approvingly. 'It's topping. You
can't beat it.'
'Clarence, a terrible thing has happened. I told papa of our
engagement, and he wouldn't hear of it. He c-called you a a p-p-p--'
'A what?'
'A pr-pr-pr--'
'He's wrong. I'm nothing of the sort. He must be thinking of someone
else.'
'A preposterous excrescence on the social cosmos.


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